Celtic

I've had this in my heid for a while, but it was never clear enough tae write down. Not until I seen Celtic get the arse ripped clean oot them by a bung average Polish mob, who drew on their home turf with St Patricks Athletic 3 weeks ago. Nae offence to Saint Pads, but fuck sake. We should not be getting a tanking aff a team like that. Not in a fuckin million years.

This season is the first season since I was 10 years old that I've not been able to call myself a Celtic season ticket holder. To give it up was heart wrenching. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do sadly, and I've done some hard shit. I gave up mixing vodka wae cider for example, cause it was making me spew up wee bits of my small intestine. So believe me. I've seen some shit. It hurt to give it up. A lifelong obsession had the shine took right aff it. Know why it happened though?

Cause they don't care.

Celtic aren't mediocre right now because the competition are too good, or they don't have any money tae spend. Celtic are shite because they chose tae be shite. Celtic are led by an unproven manager because they chose tae be lead by an unproven manager. Celtic don't invest in the squad cause Celtic chose not to invest in the squad. Are yees seeing what I'm getting at aye? Celtic are shite because they chose that path. Celtic sold Tony Watt for 1.3 million, not cause they thought he had nothing left to offer. It was cause they thought "1.3 million is pretty good for a guy whos only ever really done one notable thing" and they replaced him wae who? I'm willing to give the guy a chance n that, but who the fuck is Jo Inge Berget, and why are we replacing talented Scottish prospects wae Norweign guys who have yet tae look even remotely like fulfilling their potential? I hope he does well, but c'mon noo. That's no right.

Then ye look at the current squad, and who's really decent? The best two by a mile are the keeper and the centre half, and our defence is still shite, so what does that tell ye? Van Dijk is talented but a bit aff concentration wise, and Forster is one of the better keepers in Europe. Aside from that? Commons is hugely talented, but unproven at the top level, and not the fittest. Lustig is about as average as a right-back gets, but solid. These are the guys we look uptae noo. Middle of the road, potentially decent folk. Theres nae geniuses anymore. Theres nae magic anymore. Cannae even blame it on a transitional period really, cause its been this way since the middle of Strachans reign, and I fuckin loved that wee ginger cunt, but his teams were boring. Once Nakamura left, his teams made me fuckin sad tbh. Scott Mcdonald anaw. Ugh. Effective, but seeing him in the hoops made me feel ill. And he nicked the odd goal, but he was still always found wanting at the top level. Since then its been a barrage of mediocrity. Lennons teams were solid, and had some great moments, but that was just him doing what he knows. Filling his team full of workhorses. The best of the bunch were Wanyama, Ledley and Hooper. All good players. Rock solid. But nothing special. Wanyama maybe could be. But nothing amazing. Cause they stopped caring.

I suppose its a reflection on where we are in world football, financially secure but getting left behind. Even by the mid level teams.There wis once a time where I'd consider us favourites tae beat a lot of good teams. A lot of Portugese, French, German, Italian and even English teams. Now? I'd fear even bottom of the league teams would horse us. That's the truth. Think of the worst English Premier League team, and then look at their most recent big transfer. It'll be in the 5-6 million range at least. Players would rather go tae teams like Burnley than Celtic. Thats the reality of it. And it always will be until there's a willingness to improve and actually make an impression in Europe. We seem to have given up on that. Content to coast a shite league without any rivals. With Rangers out the picture, we should have been building a dynasty. All the best young players we had should have been in that team fae the start, with some experienced heads to help them though, we'd have won the league anyway. But naw. Short termism wins every time. We need tae win these cups, so we'll keep playing numpties like Ambrose, and bottom feeders like Leigh Griffiths and Anthony Stokes, but we'll let talented but inconsistent cunts like Samaras go. Short termism every time.

So I'm quite content no tae be forking out £400 odd quid for that. I miss the atmosphere and being amongst the buzz, but the fitbaw just isnae there anymore. I like Deila though, and if hes given even a wee bit of investment and enough time, I think he'll put a team out that I don't hate watching, but he'll never be given the chance to put a real Celtic team out there, and thats fuckin...sad.

Luis Suarez Should Stop Biting People (Cause It's Mental)

Awrite? Many much apologies for not keeping to the "every 4 days" format, but in my defence....I couldnae be arsed.

Instead I thought I'd write a humorous wee thing about Luis Suarez biting people frequently,  why he should stop that, and ways in which we might be able to stop him. Aye I said 'we' ...we're in this yin together, if ye like it or no, cause he's gonnae end up fully eating someone one day, and I know I'm not ok with that. Are you? Ye shouldnae be mate. Cannibalism is illegal, and if what I'm hearing is correct, the meat itself is subpar, far too chewy...not a fuckin thing like chicken ataw, I even tried puttin tabasco sauce on it and it...I mean...eh....my pal did.....

So why should Suarez stop biting people? Well for starters, biting people is weird. Unless you're in a fight unarmed, and the other guy's wielding an axe, or some ninja stars, biting is not an acceptable form of combat. Nor is it big, or clever. Maybe having a wee nibble at yer partner in a consensual sexual situation is awrite tae, but only if its mutually agreed upon, and theres plenty of towels doon. Also, the biting should never take place on a boaby, or baws. Never. No even a wee bit. Get a fuckin gumshield in if ye cannae help yersel ya midden, just don't let it happen.
Another reason Suarez should stop biting people is the fact that it keeps getting him banned from being a professional footballer (his job, a job which has never contained biting in the job specification) Over the course of his three bans for biting folk, he's missed 34 games of football, and received nae red cards in that time. 34 games for club and country. That's near enough a full seasons worth, cause he bites people without provocation. Other than that, aside from the odd dive, he is a credit to his sport. Extremely talented, and disnae hack folk, ticks all the boxes for me. Apart from one of the most vital boxes. The "plays nice with others" box
What might provoke a person to bite another person? That person turning ye intae a dug. That's it. If one of your fellow humans decides to turn ye intae a Border Collie for some reason, you have society's permission to bite fuck out them. Anything other that, even if yer first instict is tae bite, please refrain. Chose a punch or a kick instead. Maybe a wee flying elbow? A jam jar err the heid? All better options. Unless you have no limbs of course, limbless folk also have my permission to bite indiscriminately. Even if folk aren't doing anything to bother ye, feel free to bite them. You earned the right cause ye don't have limbs, and that must be quite shite.


So now we've got reasons he SHOULD stop biting people out the road, lets discuss ways that WE could stop him, cause despite the logic involved in the reasons above, that's three times hes done it now. Three times over a four year period, meaning that this isnae just a phase. This isnae something that can be fixed with therapy, or continually reminding him that he's being a weirdo. He's gonnae keep doing it. Maybe he'll branch out fae fitba parks tae public parks. Maybe he'll branch out fae fully grown human footballers, to partially grown human children. Maybe he'll branch out from other peoples children to YOUR children. Even if you don't think much of those children, they're your responsibility, so in turn it becomes your responsibility to stop Luis Suarez fae eating them. So here's how I think we could stop him.

1. A muzzle

Simple eh? almost too simple. The question wae this method is, are there any man made muzzles out there capable of haudin this cunt? I'm no so sure there is. Everyone seen the size of his gub when he inexplicably went doon clutching his teeth after he bit Chiellini, so I'm no sure if you could construct a mizzle strong enough tae keep they teeth in the mouth that houses them, but its worth a go initially. For implementation, I'll need at least 4 or 5 of ye tae haud him doon, so even if he does attempt to bite as the muzzle gets put on him, he cannae get his usual purchase on the blow. As everyone knows, all good bites come from engaging yer core, and putting a lot of effort behind the preparation stage. The biting itself means fuck all. Anyone can bite, but biting a cunt properly and getting away wae it in the process takes skill. It takes an expert. All those skills and expertise are diminished handily by a team of dedicated anti biters holding the cunt doon. The image above displays a German Shepard in a muzzle, but in the case in point here, that German Shepard would of course be replaced by Liverpool striker Luis Suarez.

2. Remove his teeth

Widnae be too bad eh? I mean look at this old fella. Not a tooth in his gub, and not a care in the world. Teeth are enamel coated problems if ye ask me. All I've ever had fae my own ones is pain, and commitment tae cleaning. I think Suarez would probably be awrite with this option if we sat him down and explained the benefits, perhaps offering him one last bite before he takes the plunge? Its worth asking. If he says naw, have Chiellini and Ivanovic waiting in the wings wae a hammer in each hand, and we'll remove them in a less friendly way. Either way, they gnashers are comin oot.

3. Therapy

Hahahahahahahahahaha good yin.  Has therapy ever helped anyone? I'm no talking about folk who've been through some bad shit, and a therapist maybe gives them some coping mechanisms, or a wee bit of aversion therapy involving lollypops and slaps to the dial. I'm talking about properly mental folk. Has therapy ever cured a murderer? Has therapy ever cured a guy that wanks wee dugs? Naw. Of course no. And it won't do anything for a biter either, cause folk who bite people are on the upper echelons of the mental scale. There's nae saving a biter once they prove tae be a serial offender. Suarez is a lost cause, and option 3 should only be considered if option 4 proves difficult to do legally. Leading us to...

4. Put him down

Say a police dug bit people three times without being provoked. A professional dug. A respected dug, with a pension, a family, and a mortgage tae pay. Imagine that distinguished dug bit people three times in the line of duty. He'd get put down for sure. Probably in front of the weans and the wife tae act as a deterrent just incase they think about trying tae exact revenge. So what makes Suarez any different. Cause he's a human? If anything, that should mean he disnae get a free pass, cause he should be a lot more rational than a dug might be, so why is this not a viable option? It really fuckin should be.

Last but not least...

5. People stopping making excuses for him

Stop it. Stop it right now. I know Gazza battered his wife, and Stan Collymore battered Ulrika Jonsson, and Roy Keane ended Alfe Haalands career on purpose, and David Goodwillie touched yer maws arse in subclub and I fuckin KNOW Joey Barton stubbed a cigar out in some youth players eye, before putting the fire out wae his urine. I know aw this. All of these things are unpleasant and some of them were not punished accordingly by the law or by football authorities, but ye know the one thing they all have in common? They all have fuck all to do with a guy who bites people. None of that shit or the punishment which followed has anything to do with Luis Suarez biting people, and being sanctioned for it. He got a four month ban, and a fine which equates to about half a weeks wages for the cunt, so any suggestion that the sanctions placed on him are in any way harsh are fucking stupid. If you're a Liverpool fan, football fan in general, or even if yer just a chewing sympathiser. Please stop it. Stop showing your support, cause in doing so, you're endorsing a guy who bites people. You're throwing the weight of your support behind a man who makes his colleagues fee uneasy. He gives folk the fear. Not in a "that cunts hard, I better no cross him" Duncan Ferguson kinda way, he makes people fear for their lives. Or if not their lives, and the very least whitever part of the arm/back he chooses tae dig his hacket teeth intae.  Maybe if folk stopped making excuses for the cunt, and stopped "supporting" him when he does disgraceful shit, he'd get the fuckin hint and stop daein it eh? We can but dream.

Luis Suarez is a danger to you and your family. I suggest you join this movement and together WE CAN STOP HIM. Or ye could just leave it, and he breaks intae yer house while ye sleep and bites yer dugs heid off, before tweeting about how sorry he is a week later, despite initially claiming that he "fell" through yer kitchen windae, and his teeth "accidentally" tore at yer dugs neck. Uptae you pal. Its all uptae you.