Bye Bye Bye.....Oor Deila

Loyalty at times is seen as the be all and end all for football fans. In the current footballing climate where its so hard to come by, and everyone seems to want to be somewhere else other than the place that pays their bills and put food on their table, Celtic found that loyalty in Ronny Deila. A man with no affiliation to the club before becoming its manager had fallen in love with it and for a short spell, we fell in love with him right back. After years of square pass driven indifference with Strachan and Lennon at the helm, not to mention a short spell of the beautifully delusional Tony Mowbray providing the filling for the angry ginger managerial sandwich, we suddenly had a manager who had a long term vision and a commitment to making it happen. Out were the chips, in were the Scandinavians. Out were the snakes, in were....more Scandinavians. Out went the people not called John Collins, in came John Collins. It was all going along swimmingly until it wasn't. While its difficult to pinpoint exactly where it all started going wrong for Ronny Deila, having an experienced pro who had thrived under the previous regime screaming at him and his staff for having the audacity to make a substitution obviously wouldn't have helped much. Kris Commons wasn't the guy who made those disappointing European nights happen, nor was he the reason we lost three out of four domestic cup semi finals during Deila's reign. Its important to remember these are the key reasons that it became difficult to make a case for Deila staying, but at the same time look at his snarling fucking entitled face (in the photo below). Raging at something that he could have prevented entirely of his own accord by not being a lazy bastard. Or maybe this was actually taken the very moment he found out chips were off the menu in the canteen. Either way, Kris Commons should have been immediately bombed out for this very public "fuck you!" aimed at the coaching staff but he wasn't. He was backed and not long after that, he was back in the team after issuing a less than convincing apology. Awarded for his petulance. The writing was sadly on the wall then and the connection Deila had with the fans started to waver.

The saddest thing about it is that there were moments on the footballing side of it that were hugely promising. With Van Dijk and Denayer at centre-half and Johansen running the midfield we looked a decent side for large spells of last season, a side that with a bit of investment and commitment to Deila's vision could have gone places, but when both Van Dijk and Denayer left and Johansen stuck around while seemingly forgetting how to play football, there was a gaping hole that was never filled. Jozo Simunovic came with a heavy price tag and seemed to dip between being entirely unconvincing and entirely injured as fuck. While Johansen went from player of the year candidate and creative force in the middle of the park to a clueless hacking bastard. So many of the elements that made us decent last season vanished and Deila was never given the backing to replace them, nor did he seem to have any idea HOW to properly replace them. Dedryck Boyata has been another injury prone bombscare but you felt that signing him was more of a desperate move to get someone who could replicate the style and quality of Van Dijk and Denayer for a fraction of the price you generally need to pay for players of that quality, and even when we did finally sign a worthy replacement in Erik Sviatchenko, a lot of the damage had already been done. Europe had been and gone and the pressure to deliver a domestic treble was too much for the inexperienced coaching staff and squad to handle. The togetherness of the squad has been replaced by poisonous uncertainty and by the time the Old Firm game came along, it was a no win situation for Deila and his squad. I know right, a fuckin Old Firm game that was a no win situation for one of the teams involved. Never thought such a thing could ever be real life, but it was. Even if Celtic had sneaked past Rangers on penalties folk would have still seen fit to give Celtic stick for what was a fairly dire performance on the day. Because simply winning this fixture isn't enough when you're supposed to be off achieving world domination while your greatest rivals pretty much have to start again from scratch. 

Maybe that's where Deila tripped up the most. Being Celtic manager in a situation where Rangers didn't exist as a title rival and not winning every trophy going in that climate was just not good enough in the eyes of some folk. I don't see the logic in at all because the treble has been notoriously difficult to win no matter how bad one half of the old firm divide might be at any given time, yet as soon as we were papped out of Europe a large chunk of supporters and every media parasite worth his salt perpetuated this myth that failing in Europe meant the only way Celtic's season could be considered successful is if all three domestic trophies were delivered. When Celtic were shite throughout the early 90s, did Rangers win the Treble every year? Did they fuck. Because winning everything is difficult no matter what but that never seemed important when it came to judging Deila's team. The fact that there were no early round capitulations never seemed to matter either, despite more popular revered managers having more than a few early round embarrassments (Strachans teams were papped out cups in home games countless times...well not countless, but at least three or four, so only countless if you can't count to three or four) but the semi final failures were never going to sit well with the Celtic faithful and their unrest was enough for the media to bury Ronny. Particularly the fact that two of them went to extra-time and Celtic didn't seem to have the bottle to cope. That's an easy angle to come at if you want bury any old firm manager. Not having the bottle to win when it matters is a cardinal sin and one that there's no going back from. It was time for Ronny to go, I don't think there's any denying that, but fuck man. Its frustrating because for a wee spell we fucking had something there. Neil Lennon spoke about bringing the "thunder" back and for a while he did achieve that. He achieved it with memorable European nights and and uniting the dafter element of the Celtic fanbase with this notion that everyone's out to get us, but the football was always pretty pish and there was always a feeling that despite his legendary status at the club that if someone half decent from down south came in for him he would be off in a shot. Ronny Deila was different in the sense that he always gave the impression that he regarded Celtic as his footballing home, and if it was right for the club and for him, that he could see himself being our leader for the duration of his managerial career.

He felt every single kick with us and when we won he wanted the fans to know he cared as much as they cared. There was no pointing his players towards the travelling fans for them to politely applaud in front of them because they've been told to do so, HE went towards them a thrust his first in the sky to let them know that he felt it like they felt it. There was no amateur dramatics, or desires to headbutt any other manager for having the audacity to manage a football club in the same area he was also managing a football club. No snarling at fourth officials, or wide eyed ranting and raving at any ref who dared to reach into his back pocket to produce a yellow card with the intention to aim it at Charlie Mulgrew. He cared about fuck all but getting results for US and there will never be a part of me that isn't truly saddened at the fact that it just didn't work out for Ronny Deila at Celtic. The job as this stage in his still very young career was a wee bit too much, because its much more than just managing a football team. Its managing the expectations of a fanbase who seem to have forgotten that this club went through proper hardship 20-30 years ago, and that any league win should be celebrated. Any moment that makes it plain that we are the benchmark in this country should be revered, instead of having holes poked in it because we briefly had a wee bit of company at the top when they pesky sheep pumpers put together a couple of decent runs in both of Deila's seasons at the helm. While its easy to remember the European exits, the semi final failures and that old firm debacle, I'm going to choose to focus on the two league titles, the emergence of Kieran Tierney that might not have happened under less youth orientated regimes, the journey Leigh Griffiths has went on to go from troublemaking ned to the most potent striker in Scotland, and I'll remember each and every Ronny Roar with fondness because it was a display that he gave a fuck about his work here and never had a problem showing it. If that's not a trait to be admired, then fuck knows what is. It may be the first time a Celtic manager has ever left with so many well wishes from fans. Go out there and prove us wrong ya beautiful bastard, cause if Claudio Ranieri can go from losing to the Faroe Islands as Greece manager to winning the Premier League with Leicester City a year later, Ronny Deila can recover from losing a Scottish Cup Semi Final to an Andy Halliday inspired Rangers to go on and win the Champions League as Real Madrid manager. One day, Maybe not any day soon. But one day Ronny mate. Keep the faith. 

When Did You Give Up The Dream?

I was always him. In my heart of hearts, no matter how hard I tried to visualise myself as something else. Even when I reached my early teens and realised that I was far too unfit (aka fat) asthmatic, and shite at football to ever be a professional footballer, I tried to see myself as something else, but it never happened. I got really fucking good at winning the Champions League with Celtic in various football games, and thought that maybe one day I could overcome the odds and come from no footballing background to one day manage the club I supported, or indeed any club. Even when reality took over and last embers of that dream died out, I thought I could fill that void by writing about football. It was all a distraction. Plastering over open wounds. The wound of realisation that you would never pull on the jersey of the football club you supported since you were too young to know better, and run out in front of your people as a hero. I was always him.

I told anyone that would listen that Lubo was my favourite ever Celtic player, and I still maintain that he is, but when I kicked the ball about out the back as a young yin, I was always Larsson. The one who always made folk cling on to the edge of their seats. The one who made it count when it mattered the most. Scotlands beeeeeeeest footballer. Scoring when it mattered a fuck. Juventus, Barcelona, Caley Thistle, Juventus, Liverpool, Blackburn, Porto, Dunfermline, Livingston, Juventus, Bayern Munich, Rangers, Hearts and fuckin....Juventus. All put to the sword. Did I mention Juventus aye?  Fuck Juventus btw. They're the ones who shattered that illusion in my daft young brain that Celtic were the most important entity in the world. When Juventus were given a late penalty in Celtic's first Champions League game under Martin O'Neill, my whole world collapses. Celtic had pulled it back to 2-2 from being 2-0 down, and I don't mean to sound anti-establishment and bitter, but fuck that referee, fuck Nicola Amoroso for being a diving arsepiece masquerading as a footballer, and fuck UEFA for fixing that match, and every other match Celtic have lost in Europe. Penalty wrongly given and converted. 3-2 to them. Bastards.

Its always a conspiracy. The thing is, when you're still clinging on to that forlorn hope that one day you'll make it, these injustices become personal. Most people mistake a deep feeling about a football club as being a loyal supporter, when in reality, we feel it so deeply when our favourite team loses because it feels like we got beat. It feels like we missed that vital penalty. It feels like we got caught up in the heat of the moment during a big game and got sent off. It even feels like we're the ones being slaughtered on the internet for slipping and letting Demba Ba in to score the goal that broke the hearts of so many complacent Scousers (neverending cringe at the amount of Liverpool fans who were interviewed giving it big licks when it looked like they were going to win the league. You've not won it for 20 odd years dafties. Shhhh)

Fans capable of pouring copious amounts of adulation of their favourite footballers are the ones who crave it the most. They give the team and individual players that amount of backing because that's the noise they'd want to hear when they step out in front of their people. No matter what colour the shirt is, everyone relates to that. Craving the day that allows you to show your people that you play for them. You represent their club. That's why in an era where an ever increasing amount of footballers have no personal affinity to the clubs they play for and truthfully they'd go to any club as long as the money's right, its the fans who keep stadiums packed. The dreamers. Wishing they were born with the god given talent of a Neymar, or a Bobby Petta. Minus the daft haircuts and penchant for going down like you've struck by a sniper anytime an opposition player comes within 5 feet of you.

Honestly, I thought I'd given up the dream. After turning 26 (which is past middle age in Glasgow) and realising it had been many a year since I visualised myself stepping out at Celtic Park in front of 25,000 screaming fans (official attendance 55,450) but then I remember John Guidetti scoring the equaliser in stoppage time to snatch a 3-3 draw with Inter Milan and for a split second I was there again. A different era, a different Swedish striker, but that was my right boot that smashed it into the back of the net, and when I jumped about my living room delivering celebratory superkicks to my dug and doing the Klinsmann slide in the hall, I imagined I was superkicking the dug in front of 60,000 people. I imagined overdoing the Klinsmann slide and bashing my heid off the advertising boards, but the concussion would be well worth it. Its stoppage time in the game anyway. The job's been done. Hero status sealed.

Most of us have probably given up on the dream by now, but we still have those moments. Even if its not football, everyone still pictures themselves doing the thing they love long after it has died as a realistic opportunity. We might not go around telling people about these wee daydreams. The most powerful deterrent to these dreams being public knowledge is the fear of ridicule for being a 26 year old man who still thinks he's going to be WWE Champion, but the dreams are still in there. If its football, wrestling, or you harbour a long standing desire to be the new Michael Flatley, I don't think any of us will fully give up on those dreams until we're rotting in a box, or we've been literally reduced to ashes. Only then will the dying embers of the dream fully die out. So as much as I feel duty bound as a human adult to be in touch with reality, I hope that never stops. I hope I'm that daft auld cunt in the pub. Screaming and shouting at the tell because he knows better than professional athlete's who have played the sport at an elite level their whole lives. When did you give up on the dream? If you're currently in the process of chasing it. Good on ye. Life would be a lot duller without the dream-chasers, even if that lack of attachment to reality comes from being a drug-addict, or simply a dafty. Keep chasing that high. Maybe one day you'll be the person you always wanted to be. Maybe one day I'll wake up, some Freaky Friday shit has occurred and suddenly I'm Henrik Larsson. Doubt it though.

Dundee United vs Celtic - Player Ratings

Dundee United

Czerniak 10 - Everything he could concievably save, he did and I hate him for it. Outstanding.

Dillion 7 - Solid. Good pro. Cliche. Ireland.

Fojut 7 - See Dillon, add Polishness.

Mcgowan 6 - Dirty as fuck, but battled well. Very bad going forward. Like. Terrible.

Dixon 6 - Always liked him and he was harshly sent off, but he also has a constantly pained expression on his face, and thats not ok.

Paton 0 - Wrongly sent off, but hes an arsehole, so that just convinced me karma exists.

Rankin 6 - Aye he was eh. There.

Connolly 6.5 - Tricky wee trickster. Diving wee bastard.

Butcher 4 - Rotten going forward and should have been off. Helmet.

Dow 7 - Effective and busy. Tidy wee player.

Ciftci 8 - Should have been off but for his performance he deserves an 8. Gave Celtic nightmares.

Subs

Erskine 5 - Looks lit Shaggy oota Scooby Doo.

Souttar 4 - Free kick were beyond shockin

Celtic

Gordon 8 - Made a few vital saves. Inter at home must have been some sort of mental breakdown for him, cause otherwise he's been world class.

Izaguirre 6.5 - Final ball was often mince but he put in a shift. An irritating but enthusiastic shift.

Van Dijk 0 - Shouldnt have got involved. I think hes mentally planning his move to another club. Good luck to ye big man.

Denayer 7.5 - Gets better every game. Forward thinking and technically brilliant.

Ambrose 7 - His best game in 2 years, but he loses a point for tripping over his own feet.

Forrest 6.5 - 3 for the first half, 8 for the second. Whats the average there? Exactly. He was lucky to stay on but had an excellent game towards the end. Needs to play wae confidence or fuck off to Hibs or something.

Biton 8 - Its a shame he's a terrible person, cause he's an utterly brilliant footballer. Composed as fuck.

Brown 6 - Thought he was off the boil going forward, but his usual tenacious self defensively. Got kicked in the face anaw. Bruce Lee style.

Stokes 3 - Terrible. It wasnt a penalty but he was clumsy and shite all day.

Johansen 9 - My favourite human being. Hes rotten from deep, but pushed up the park he's like Zidane on angel dust. Or Paul Scholes. He is very good, I guess would be the central thesis here.

Griffiths 8 - I love him more wae every game. Not perfect but he works his baws aff. Hit the penalty well and his goal was top drawer.

Subs

Guidetti 5 - Keen, but should have scored and was a bit erratic in the last third.

Scepovic 2 - Looks like a 90s Eastern European gangster.

Fisher 4 - Should have been on earlier.

Overall the best game of fitba I've seen in ages, because it was pure and utter carnage. A proper cup tie. I hope the replay is more of the same, and I think Dundee United deserved the draw. The league cup final will be fantastic.

This is Ibrox. This is where the football happens.

"The big house must stay open"

"Our people have been shamed by your actions"

"You must not own this, this is where the football happens, you cannot buy it"

"Mike Ashley has athletes foot"

Its just nothing. None of it means anything. Football is just a game. If the team you like stops being involved in it, like another one. Thanks for the memories first team, I loved you down to the name, I'll always cherish them but you don't exist now and that's a shame.

People just need to calm down. The only things in life that truly matter are health and happiness. Everything else is just passing the time. If something is making you unhappy, don't do it anymore. I mean honestly, are any Rangers fans happy following that team right now? Of course not. You had the chance of a fresh start taken from you by greed. Senseless people spending money they didn't have, and didn't need to spend, so they could chase forlorn dreams of a cup. You were cheated by those people. Guys like Mike Ashley are just being good businessmen by trying to exploit that. Some football fans cant see past their own perception that their club is the be all and end all, when at the end of a day its a business. Celtic have a relatively unproven Norwegian at the helm right now, and a bosman from Dundee United is considered a big signing. No one is splashing the cash because it isn't there. Someone told me Jon Dalys agent went in to talks with Rangers looking for 4 grand a week, and they offered him 8. Why in the name of fuck are you paying Jon Daly 8 grand a week to put on weight and stand still in a Division that is 2 notches below his fucking shite level. Its ludicrous, and makes 25k a week for Scott Brown look like extraordinary business.

So fucking chill out man. These people keep betraying you. If you want a Rangers to be proud of in the future, rid yourself of it all and start again. With people who care about your club. Stop buying in to false gods like Ashley, Green and Craigy White. None of them care. Neither do attention seeking gobshites like John "BOMBER" Brown, and Dave King. The one and only man to oversee the birth of a Rangers that people will want to care about again is Walter Smith.

Celtic

I've had this in my heid for a while, but it was never clear enough tae write down. Not until I seen Celtic get the arse ripped clean oot them by a bung average Polish mob, who drew on their home turf with St Patricks Athletic 3 weeks ago. Nae offence to Saint Pads, but fuck sake. We should not be getting a tanking aff a team like that. Not in a fuckin million years.

This season is the first season since I was 10 years old that I've not been able to call myself a Celtic season ticket holder. To give it up was heart wrenching. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do sadly, and I've done some hard shit. I gave up mixing vodka wae cider for example, cause it was making me spew up wee bits of my small intestine. So believe me. I've seen some shit. It hurt to give it up. A lifelong obsession had the shine took right aff it. Know why it happened though?

Cause they don't care.

Celtic aren't mediocre right now because the competition are too good, or they don't have any money tae spend. Celtic are shite because they chose tae be shite. Celtic are led by an unproven manager because they chose tae be lead by an unproven manager. Celtic don't invest in the squad cause Celtic chose not to invest in the squad. Are yees seeing what I'm getting at aye? Celtic are shite because they chose that path. Celtic sold Tony Watt for 1.3 million, not cause they thought he had nothing left to offer. It was cause they thought "1.3 million is pretty good for a guy whos only ever really done one notable thing" and they replaced him wae who? I'm willing to give the guy a chance n that, but who the fuck is Jo Inge Berget, and why are we replacing talented Scottish prospects wae Norweign guys who have yet tae look even remotely like fulfilling their potential? I hope he does well, but c'mon noo. That's no right.

Then ye look at the current squad, and who's really decent? The best two by a mile are the keeper and the centre half, and our defence is still shite, so what does that tell ye? Van Dijk is talented but a bit aff concentration wise, and Forster is one of the better keepers in Europe. Aside from that? Commons is hugely talented, but unproven at the top level, and not the fittest. Lustig is about as average as a right-back gets, but solid. These are the guys we look uptae noo. Middle of the road, potentially decent folk. Theres nae geniuses anymore. Theres nae magic anymore. Cannae even blame it on a transitional period really, cause its been this way since the middle of Strachans reign, and I fuckin loved that wee ginger cunt, but his teams were boring. Once Nakamura left, his teams made me fuckin sad tbh. Scott Mcdonald anaw. Ugh. Effective, but seeing him in the hoops made me feel ill. And he nicked the odd goal, but he was still always found wanting at the top level. Since then its been a barrage of mediocrity. Lennons teams were solid, and had some great moments, but that was just him doing what he knows. Filling his team full of workhorses. The best of the bunch were Wanyama, Ledley and Hooper. All good players. Rock solid. But nothing special. Wanyama maybe could be. But nothing amazing. Cause they stopped caring.

I suppose its a reflection on where we are in world football, financially secure but getting left behind. Even by the mid level teams.There wis once a time where I'd consider us favourites tae beat a lot of good teams. A lot of Portugese, French, German, Italian and even English teams. Now? I'd fear even bottom of the league teams would horse us. That's the truth. Think of the worst English Premier League team, and then look at their most recent big transfer. It'll be in the 5-6 million range at least. Players would rather go tae teams like Burnley than Celtic. Thats the reality of it. And it always will be until there's a willingness to improve and actually make an impression in Europe. We seem to have given up on that. Content to coast a shite league without any rivals. With Rangers out the picture, we should have been building a dynasty. All the best young players we had should have been in that team fae the start, with some experienced heads to help them though, we'd have won the league anyway. But naw. Short termism wins every time. We need tae win these cups, so we'll keep playing numpties like Ambrose, and bottom feeders like Leigh Griffiths and Anthony Stokes, but we'll let talented but inconsistent cunts like Samaras go. Short termism every time.

So I'm quite content no tae be forking out £400 odd quid for that. I miss the atmosphere and being amongst the buzz, but the fitbaw just isnae there anymore. I like Deila though, and if hes given even a wee bit of investment and enough time, I think he'll put a team out that I don't hate watching, but he'll never be given the chance to put a real Celtic team out there, and thats fuckin...sad.

Luis Suarez Should Stop Biting People (Cause It's Mental)

Awrite? Many much apologies for not keeping to the "every 4 days" format, but in my defence....I couldnae be arsed.

Instead I thought I'd write a humorous wee thing about Luis Suarez biting people frequently,  why he should stop that, and ways in which we might be able to stop him. Aye I said 'we' ...we're in this yin together, if ye like it or no, cause he's gonnae end up fully eating someone one day, and I know I'm not ok with that. Are you? Ye shouldnae be mate. Cannibalism is illegal, and if what I'm hearing is correct, the meat itself is subpar, far too chewy...not a fuckin thing like chicken ataw, I even tried puttin tabasco sauce on it and it...I mean...eh....my pal did.....

So why should Suarez stop biting people? Well for starters, biting people is weird. Unless you're in a fight unarmed, and the other guy's wielding an axe, or some ninja stars, biting is not an acceptable form of combat. Nor is it big, or clever. Maybe having a wee nibble at yer partner in a consensual sexual situation is awrite tae, but only if its mutually agreed upon, and theres plenty of towels doon. Also, the biting should never take place on a boaby, or baws. Never. No even a wee bit. Get a fuckin gumshield in if ye cannae help yersel ya midden, just don't let it happen.
Another reason Suarez should stop biting people is the fact that it keeps getting him banned from being a professional footballer (his job, a job which has never contained biting in the job specification) Over the course of his three bans for biting folk, he's missed 34 games of football, and received nae red cards in that time. 34 games for club and country. That's near enough a full seasons worth, cause he bites people without provocation. Other than that, aside from the odd dive, he is a credit to his sport. Extremely talented, and disnae hack folk, ticks all the boxes for me. Apart from one of the most vital boxes. The "plays nice with others" box
What might provoke a person to bite another person? That person turning ye intae a dug. That's it. If one of your fellow humans decides to turn ye intae a Border Collie for some reason, you have society's permission to bite fuck out them. Anything other that, even if yer first instict is tae bite, please refrain. Chose a punch or a kick instead. Maybe a wee flying elbow? A jam jar err the heid? All better options. Unless you have no limbs of course, limbless folk also have my permission to bite indiscriminately. Even if folk aren't doing anything to bother ye, feel free to bite them. You earned the right cause ye don't have limbs, and that must be quite shite.


So now we've got reasons he SHOULD stop biting people out the road, lets discuss ways that WE could stop him, cause despite the logic involved in the reasons above, that's three times hes done it now. Three times over a four year period, meaning that this isnae just a phase. This isnae something that can be fixed with therapy, or continually reminding him that he's being a weirdo. He's gonnae keep doing it. Maybe he'll branch out fae fitba parks tae public parks. Maybe he'll branch out fae fully grown human footballers, to partially grown human children. Maybe he'll branch out from other peoples children to YOUR children. Even if you don't think much of those children, they're your responsibility, so in turn it becomes your responsibility to stop Luis Suarez fae eating them. So here's how I think we could stop him.

1. A muzzle

Simple eh? almost too simple. The question wae this method is, are there any man made muzzles out there capable of haudin this cunt? I'm no so sure there is. Everyone seen the size of his gub when he inexplicably went doon clutching his teeth after he bit Chiellini, so I'm no sure if you could construct a mizzle strong enough tae keep they teeth in the mouth that houses them, but its worth a go initially. For implementation, I'll need at least 4 or 5 of ye tae haud him doon, so even if he does attempt to bite as the muzzle gets put on him, he cannae get his usual purchase on the blow. As everyone knows, all good bites come from engaging yer core, and putting a lot of effort behind the preparation stage. The biting itself means fuck all. Anyone can bite, but biting a cunt properly and getting away wae it in the process takes skill. It takes an expert. All those skills and expertise are diminished handily by a team of dedicated anti biters holding the cunt doon. The image above displays a German Shepard in a muzzle, but in the case in point here, that German Shepard would of course be replaced by Liverpool striker Luis Suarez.

2. Remove his teeth

Widnae be too bad eh? I mean look at this old fella. Not a tooth in his gub, and not a care in the world. Teeth are enamel coated problems if ye ask me. All I've ever had fae my own ones is pain, and commitment tae cleaning. I think Suarez would probably be awrite with this option if we sat him down and explained the benefits, perhaps offering him one last bite before he takes the plunge? Its worth asking. If he says naw, have Chiellini and Ivanovic waiting in the wings wae a hammer in each hand, and we'll remove them in a less friendly way. Either way, they gnashers are comin oot.

3. Therapy

Hahahahahahahahahaha good yin.  Has therapy ever helped anyone? I'm no talking about folk who've been through some bad shit, and a therapist maybe gives them some coping mechanisms, or a wee bit of aversion therapy involving lollypops and slaps to the dial. I'm talking about properly mental folk. Has therapy ever cured a murderer? Has therapy ever cured a guy that wanks wee dugs? Naw. Of course no. And it won't do anything for a biter either, cause folk who bite people are on the upper echelons of the mental scale. There's nae saving a biter once they prove tae be a serial offender. Suarez is a lost cause, and option 3 should only be considered if option 4 proves difficult to do legally. Leading us to...

4. Put him down

Say a police dug bit people three times without being provoked. A professional dug. A respected dug, with a pension, a family, and a mortgage tae pay. Imagine that distinguished dug bit people three times in the line of duty. He'd get put down for sure. Probably in front of the weans and the wife tae act as a deterrent just incase they think about trying tae exact revenge. So what makes Suarez any different. Cause he's a human? If anything, that should mean he disnae get a free pass, cause he should be a lot more rational than a dug might be, so why is this not a viable option? It really fuckin should be.

Last but not least...

5. People stopping making excuses for him

Stop it. Stop it right now. I know Gazza battered his wife, and Stan Collymore battered Ulrika Jonsson, and Roy Keane ended Alfe Haalands career on purpose, and David Goodwillie touched yer maws arse in subclub and I fuckin KNOW Joey Barton stubbed a cigar out in some youth players eye, before putting the fire out wae his urine. I know aw this. All of these things are unpleasant and some of them were not punished accordingly by the law or by football authorities, but ye know the one thing they all have in common? They all have fuck all to do with a guy who bites people. None of that shit or the punishment which followed has anything to do with Luis Suarez biting people, and being sanctioned for it. He got a four month ban, and a fine which equates to about half a weeks wages for the cunt, so any suggestion that the sanctions placed on him are in any way harsh are fucking stupid. If you're a Liverpool fan, football fan in general, or even if yer just a chewing sympathiser. Please stop it. Stop showing your support, cause in doing so, you're endorsing a guy who bites people. You're throwing the weight of your support behind a man who makes his colleagues fee uneasy. He gives folk the fear. Not in a "that cunts hard, I better no cross him" Duncan Ferguson kinda way, he makes people fear for their lives. Or if not their lives, and the very least whitever part of the arm/back he chooses tae dig his hacket teeth intae.  Maybe if folk stopped making excuses for the cunt, and stopped "supporting" him when he does disgraceful shit, he'd get the fuckin hint and stop daein it eh? We can but dream.

Luis Suarez is a danger to you and your family. I suggest you join this movement and together WE CAN STOP HIM. Or ye could just leave it, and he breaks intae yer house while ye sleep and bites yer dugs heid off, before tweeting about how sorry he is a week later, despite initially claiming that he "fell" through yer kitchen windae, and his teeth "accidentally" tore at yer dugs neck. Uptae you pal. Its all uptae you.

World Cup 2014 - The Calm Before The Storm (Of playing two games at once)(or "Sophies Choice...between fitba games" if you prefer)

Another 4 days, another ridiculously stupid title. Its the World Cup. Its fitba. Its happening ON YOUR DOORSTEP (if you're Brazillian and near one of the stadiums) and if not its happening ON YOUR TELEVISION. Get INVOLVED. Get ACTIVE. Get SOCIAL. Be the MEDIA. 

In a slightly altered format from the previous two posts, I will be giving an overview of just THREE World Cup days, before dropping a World altering blog after the final round of group games, and all the excitement that comes wae them. Picture the scene. Two teams...playing at the same time (obviously...its a game of fitba, of course they'd be playing at the same time) but here's the kicker, in an alternative Brazilian location you have none other than TWO MORE TEAMS quite possibly from the same group as the other teams I mentioned, but they're ALSO PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME AS THE TWO TEAMS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED. And you don't need no education to figure out that means FOUR TEAMS...ONE TIMESLOT...Lets....get....involved.


Day 9

Day...day...niiiiiiine. Went to my heeeeeead. Cause of aw the exciting fitbaw. That I was exposed toooo.
I'll start by saying Gary Lineker can get tae fuck. Simple as that. Fuck Gary Linekar, and fuck that sorry excuse for a broadcast that the BBC call "journalism", cause for the Italy vs Costa Rica game (which England needed Italy to win to stay alive in the competition) Gary Lineker was wearing an Italy top in the studio. A bit of good old fashioned fun between cringeworthy fannies eh? Nae harm in it, apart from harming the reputations of everyone involved in the decision to allow him to wear it on national tele, and oh aye...a wee bit of harm to the ENGULUND national fitba team, as the terrible karma that came wae him wearing the shirt led to Costa Rica winning 1-0. Yer fuckin OOT, and Gary Lineker wearing that top is the only reason. Be thoroughly ashamed. You fuckin utter disgraces. Costa Rica were well worth their win anaw, and go through with a game to spare, after being described as the "whipping boys" of the group before a gae was played, in yet another example of stellar BBC journalism. Fuck the BBC. Right in its taxpayer funded, poorly run, corruption ridden mouth.
Honduras and Eduador actually had a surprisingly exciting battle in the late game, with Ecuador coming from a goal down to win the game by scoring more goals than Honduras. Two for Ecuador, one for Honduras. Enner Valencia scored both goals for Ecuador, so that makes him a very proficient scorer, after his goal in the opening game. Bringing his scoring total to three. Three goals for him.
In the other game France horsed Switzerland 5-2, in a game I didnae see, cause I was sitting in a part of the pub with no television visibility, being quizzed about my non existent love life. I've still no seen the fuckin goals either, but I do know that France scored 5 of them, then Switzerland must have thought "oh that looks like a fuckin laugh!"...and they scored a couple themselves. Good on yees troops.

Day 10

Double figs mate. Day 10. Time flies when yer watching fitba eh? Day 10 was a day of heartbreak if you're Iranian, or Carlos Quieroz (their manager, who is not Iranian) or anyone who kinda likes Iran. Iranian enthusiasts we'll call them. They fellas widnae have been huge fans of Day 10. Cause it saw various Iranian guys greet at full-time, after a fucking outstanding defensive effort for 90 minutes, was undone by a wee slice of Lionel Messi magic in the 91st minute. It's a hard fuckin life eh. Lionel Messi has spent this whole tournament being told he's a bit shite, and certainly not as pure brilliant as some have made out, only for him to score two stoatin goals and pretty much single handedly carry these shoulder shrugging Argentinean cunts, who are phoning this World Cup in so far. LOOK ALIVE BOAYS. The fitba's happening RIGHT NOW. Algeria ken it. Iran ken it. Wake up and smell the noodles guys. It's for real.
Nigeria overcame Bosnia 1-0 in the other game, in a game which I didnae watch, cause me and my pal watchin Souled Out 1998 on the WWE Network instead. I wis keeping an eye on the score though, and commented to my pal that "Nigeria had taken the lead" or I think I might've said suhin like "Wan nuhin tae Nigeria" news which he met with a nod, and a knowing smile as if tae say "thanks for tellin me Marty, but I don't care"
The other game on Day 10 was a stone cold stoater. Well 45 minutes of it was, after an incredibly dull opening 45 between Germany and Ghana, they decided to have the game of the tournament so far, which was SENSATIONAL and EXCITING with shades of REAL COOL STUFF. Germany took the lead thanks to my main man Mario Gotze, only for Ghana to be lit that "nuttttt...we're two goal Ghana, here's our two goals." all of a sudden they'd scored twice, and Ayew had screamed at people a lot. Then with the time ticking down and the clock also ticking (a tick bonanza we'll call it) Miroslav Klose came on as a sub and fuckin YASSSSSSS man. He equalled Ronaldos all-time world cup finals record with his 15th world cup finals goal. Good on ye ya big timeless poaching bastard. Had a chance tae beat the record and win the game late on anaw, but he pulled his shot wide in a rare moment of pulling shots wide.

Day 11 (The end of days...containing three fitba matches)

So round 2 was rounded off with a sublime day of fitba. Pitting teams of 11, against opposition teams of a 11 in a fight to the death for points. Algeria done something bordering on amazing, when they broke out of their slump of not scoring from open play in a World Cup Finals since ages and ages ago (commentators mentioned how many years, but I cannae mind...I want tae say 28.....we'll go wae 28....28 years) tae score 4 BLOODY GOALS.  3 of them happening in the FIRST BLOODY HALF. Commentators mentioned how the South Korea coaches wid be upset cause they used to be central defenders, but so did Tony Mowbray, and he played Josh Thompson in that position for Celtic, so that disnae necessarily mean the cunts have a fuckin scooby about defending. The Koreans made a fist of it in the second half, but had that fist shoved up their own jacksie at 3-1 when Algeria broke up the park and scored a lovely goal. Nice wee 1-2 on the edge of the box, followed by a cushty wee finish. Eeeeeasy now boays.
Another one of the games on Day 11 was a festival of excitement, but that game was not Belgium vs Russia. Belgium vs Russia was fucking awful. Belgium are essentially the Argentina of Europe, in terms of having high expectations, nor performing well, and having an "e" in their name. So I'll tell these cunts the same thing I told the Argies...WAKE UP AND SMELL THE WHEETABIX BEFORE ITS TOO LATE GUYS. Belgium won thanks tae a late winner from a 19 year old fella who replaced Lukaku after about an hour. Lukaku was replaced cause it cause wasn't his day ye know? He tried hard but things just didn't come off for him, and he's also a bit shite. Belgium are through with two wins from two games despite playing shite in both, so there's another comparison you can draw to the Argies, although I'd mainly go with the "e" thing tbh.
Just when Germany and Ghana were wandering the Brazilian streets, doin the helicopter thing wae their dicks in celebration of having the official "best game of the first two rounds of games"...The USA and Portugal only went and fucked it for them didn't they! Buncha bastards so they urr. The Americans are proper fuckin intae this though, and seem to be making a mockery of the various slaggings they've had in the past for treating "soccer" like a second rate shiter of a sport (probably cause they were always fuckin pish at it) They're pretty good at it now though, and displayed that by recovering from Nanis early goal to take the lead through a fuckin thunderbolt fae Jermaine Jones, and speaking of swinging dicks, Clint Dempsey swung his towards the ball and in it fuckin went tae give them the lead wae 9 minutes left. Yer man scored wae his boaby. Certain of it. Portugal, and Ronaldo were staring elimination in the face, but wae 20 odd second left, Michael B-RAD-Ley, who had been fuckin shite up until that point, gave the ball away in the middle of the park. Shifted oot tae Ronaldo, who stuck in a fuckin perfect cross for Varela tae equalise wae the last touch of the game. Or was it the second last? Dae ye count the touch the other team have tae kick off after conceding? Aye...we'll go wae second last eh. Still exciting as  fuck but. Well done tae the Portuguese for never giving up. They are the John Cena of the soccer world, and Christiano is like one of John Cena's t-shirts. Colourful, and it costs a bob for shippin! HAHA! Aw man. The best jokes are the ones that don't make sense. I've always said that.

So that's patter about no less than THREE World Cup days. If I was to sum up the first two rounds of games on the whole, I'd say they were really good. Good games.

Thank you for reading. Football is our passion. Rippling nets, placing bets and flying jets (to Brazil) is our motto. I've been Martin. This has been patter. See ye in 4 days ya ride. x