Celtic

I've had this in my heid for a while, but it was never clear enough tae write down. Not until I seen Celtic get the arse ripped clean oot them by a bung average Polish mob, who drew on their home turf with St Patricks Athletic 3 weeks ago. Nae offence to Saint Pads, but fuck sake. We should not be getting a tanking aff a team like that. Not in a fuckin million years.

This season is the first season since I was 10 years old that I've not been able to call myself a Celtic season ticket holder. To give it up was heart wrenching. One of the hardest things I've ever had to do sadly, and I've done some hard shit. I gave up mixing vodka wae cider for example, cause it was making me spew up wee bits of my small intestine. So believe me. I've seen some shit. It hurt to give it up. A lifelong obsession had the shine took right aff it. Know why it happened though?

Cause they don't care.

Celtic aren't mediocre right now because the competition are too good, or they don't have any money tae spend. Celtic are shite because they chose tae be shite. Celtic are led by an unproven manager because they chose tae be lead by an unproven manager. Celtic don't invest in the squad cause Celtic chose not to invest in the squad. Are yees seeing what I'm getting at aye? Celtic are shite because they chose that path. Celtic sold Tony Watt for 1.3 million, not cause they thought he had nothing left to offer. It was cause they thought "1.3 million is pretty good for a guy whos only ever really done one notable thing" and they replaced him wae who? I'm willing to give the guy a chance n that, but who the fuck is Jo Inge Berget, and why are we replacing talented Scottish prospects wae Norweign guys who have yet tae look even remotely like fulfilling their potential? I hope he does well, but c'mon noo. That's no right.

Then ye look at the current squad, and who's really decent? The best two by a mile are the keeper and the centre half, and our defence is still shite, so what does that tell ye? Van Dijk is talented but a bit aff concentration wise, and Forster is one of the better keepers in Europe. Aside from that? Commons is hugely talented, but unproven at the top level, and not the fittest. Lustig is about as average as a right-back gets, but solid. These are the guys we look uptae noo. Middle of the road, potentially decent folk. Theres nae geniuses anymore. Theres nae magic anymore. Cannae even blame it on a transitional period really, cause its been this way since the middle of Strachans reign, and I fuckin loved that wee ginger cunt, but his teams were boring. Once Nakamura left, his teams made me fuckin sad tbh. Scott Mcdonald anaw. Ugh. Effective, but seeing him in the hoops made me feel ill. And he nicked the odd goal, but he was still always found wanting at the top level. Since then its been a barrage of mediocrity. Lennons teams were solid, and had some great moments, but that was just him doing what he knows. Filling his team full of workhorses. The best of the bunch were Wanyama, Ledley and Hooper. All good players. Rock solid. But nothing special. Wanyama maybe could be. But nothing amazing. Cause they stopped caring.

I suppose its a reflection on where we are in world football, financially secure but getting left behind. Even by the mid level teams.There wis once a time where I'd consider us favourites tae beat a lot of good teams. A lot of Portugese, French, German, Italian and even English teams. Now? I'd fear even bottom of the league teams would horse us. That's the truth. Think of the worst English Premier League team, and then look at their most recent big transfer. It'll be in the 5-6 million range at least. Players would rather go tae teams like Burnley than Celtic. Thats the reality of it. And it always will be until there's a willingness to improve and actually make an impression in Europe. We seem to have given up on that. Content to coast a shite league without any rivals. With Rangers out the picture, we should have been building a dynasty. All the best young players we had should have been in that team fae the start, with some experienced heads to help them though, we'd have won the league anyway. But naw. Short termism wins every time. We need tae win these cups, so we'll keep playing numpties like Ambrose, and bottom feeders like Leigh Griffiths and Anthony Stokes, but we'll let talented but inconsistent cunts like Samaras go. Short termism every time.

So I'm quite content no tae be forking out £400 odd quid for that. I miss the atmosphere and being amongst the buzz, but the fitbaw just isnae there anymore. I like Deila though, and if hes given even a wee bit of investment and enough time, I think he'll put a team out that I don't hate watching, but he'll never be given the chance to put a real Celtic team out there, and thats fuckin...sad.

Luis Suarez Should Stop Biting People (Cause It's Mental)

Awrite? Many much apologies for not keeping to the "every 4 days" format, but in my defence....I couldnae be arsed.

Instead I thought I'd write a humorous wee thing about Luis Suarez biting people frequently,  why he should stop that, and ways in which we might be able to stop him. Aye I said 'we' ...we're in this yin together, if ye like it or no, cause he's gonnae end up fully eating someone one day, and I know I'm not ok with that. Are you? Ye shouldnae be mate. Cannibalism is illegal, and if what I'm hearing is correct, the meat itself is subpar, far too chewy...not a fuckin thing like chicken ataw, I even tried puttin tabasco sauce on it and it...I mean...eh....my pal did.....

So why should Suarez stop biting people? Well for starters, biting people is weird. Unless you're in a fight unarmed, and the other guy's wielding an axe, or some ninja stars, biting is not an acceptable form of combat. Nor is it big, or clever. Maybe having a wee nibble at yer partner in a consensual sexual situation is awrite tae, but only if its mutually agreed upon, and theres plenty of towels doon. Also, the biting should never take place on a boaby, or baws. Never. No even a wee bit. Get a fuckin gumshield in if ye cannae help yersel ya midden, just don't let it happen.
Another reason Suarez should stop biting people is the fact that it keeps getting him banned from being a professional footballer (his job, a job which has never contained biting in the job specification) Over the course of his three bans for biting folk, he's missed 34 games of football, and received nae red cards in that time. 34 games for club and country. That's near enough a full seasons worth, cause he bites people without provocation. Other than that, aside from the odd dive, he is a credit to his sport. Extremely talented, and disnae hack folk, ticks all the boxes for me. Apart from one of the most vital boxes. The "plays nice with others" box
What might provoke a person to bite another person? That person turning ye intae a dug. That's it. If one of your fellow humans decides to turn ye intae a Border Collie for some reason, you have society's permission to bite fuck out them. Anything other that, even if yer first instict is tae bite, please refrain. Chose a punch or a kick instead. Maybe a wee flying elbow? A jam jar err the heid? All better options. Unless you have no limbs of course, limbless folk also have my permission to bite indiscriminately. Even if folk aren't doing anything to bother ye, feel free to bite them. You earned the right cause ye don't have limbs, and that must be quite shite.


So now we've got reasons he SHOULD stop biting people out the road, lets discuss ways that WE could stop him, cause despite the logic involved in the reasons above, that's three times hes done it now. Three times over a four year period, meaning that this isnae just a phase. This isnae something that can be fixed with therapy, or continually reminding him that he's being a weirdo. He's gonnae keep doing it. Maybe he'll branch out fae fitba parks tae public parks. Maybe he'll branch out fae fully grown human footballers, to partially grown human children. Maybe he'll branch out from other peoples children to YOUR children. Even if you don't think much of those children, they're your responsibility, so in turn it becomes your responsibility to stop Luis Suarez fae eating them. So here's how I think we could stop him.

1. A muzzle

Simple eh? almost too simple. The question wae this method is, are there any man made muzzles out there capable of haudin this cunt? I'm no so sure there is. Everyone seen the size of his gub when he inexplicably went doon clutching his teeth after he bit Chiellini, so I'm no sure if you could construct a mizzle strong enough tae keep they teeth in the mouth that houses them, but its worth a go initially. For implementation, I'll need at least 4 or 5 of ye tae haud him doon, so even if he does attempt to bite as the muzzle gets put on him, he cannae get his usual purchase on the blow. As everyone knows, all good bites come from engaging yer core, and putting a lot of effort behind the preparation stage. The biting itself means fuck all. Anyone can bite, but biting a cunt properly and getting away wae it in the process takes skill. It takes an expert. All those skills and expertise are diminished handily by a team of dedicated anti biters holding the cunt doon. The image above displays a German Shepard in a muzzle, but in the case in point here, that German Shepard would of course be replaced by Liverpool striker Luis Suarez.

2. Remove his teeth

Widnae be too bad eh? I mean look at this old fella. Not a tooth in his gub, and not a care in the world. Teeth are enamel coated problems if ye ask me. All I've ever had fae my own ones is pain, and commitment tae cleaning. I think Suarez would probably be awrite with this option if we sat him down and explained the benefits, perhaps offering him one last bite before he takes the plunge? Its worth asking. If he says naw, have Chiellini and Ivanovic waiting in the wings wae a hammer in each hand, and we'll remove them in a less friendly way. Either way, they gnashers are comin oot.

3. Therapy

Hahahahahahahahahaha good yin.  Has therapy ever helped anyone? I'm no talking about folk who've been through some bad shit, and a therapist maybe gives them some coping mechanisms, or a wee bit of aversion therapy involving lollypops and slaps to the dial. I'm talking about properly mental folk. Has therapy ever cured a murderer? Has therapy ever cured a guy that wanks wee dugs? Naw. Of course no. And it won't do anything for a biter either, cause folk who bite people are on the upper echelons of the mental scale. There's nae saving a biter once they prove tae be a serial offender. Suarez is a lost cause, and option 3 should only be considered if option 4 proves difficult to do legally. Leading us to...

4. Put him down

Say a police dug bit people three times without being provoked. A professional dug. A respected dug, with a pension, a family, and a mortgage tae pay. Imagine that distinguished dug bit people three times in the line of duty. He'd get put down for sure. Probably in front of the weans and the wife tae act as a deterrent just incase they think about trying tae exact revenge. So what makes Suarez any different. Cause he's a human? If anything, that should mean he disnae get a free pass, cause he should be a lot more rational than a dug might be, so why is this not a viable option? It really fuckin should be.

Last but not least...

5. People stopping making excuses for him

Stop it. Stop it right now. I know Gazza battered his wife, and Stan Collymore battered Ulrika Jonsson, and Roy Keane ended Alfe Haalands career on purpose, and David Goodwillie touched yer maws arse in subclub and I fuckin KNOW Joey Barton stubbed a cigar out in some youth players eye, before putting the fire out wae his urine. I know aw this. All of these things are unpleasant and some of them were not punished accordingly by the law or by football authorities, but ye know the one thing they all have in common? They all have fuck all to do with a guy who bites people. None of that shit or the punishment which followed has anything to do with Luis Suarez biting people, and being sanctioned for it. He got a four month ban, and a fine which equates to about half a weeks wages for the cunt, so any suggestion that the sanctions placed on him are in any way harsh are fucking stupid. If you're a Liverpool fan, football fan in general, or even if yer just a chewing sympathiser. Please stop it. Stop showing your support, cause in doing so, you're endorsing a guy who bites people. You're throwing the weight of your support behind a man who makes his colleagues fee uneasy. He gives folk the fear. Not in a "that cunts hard, I better no cross him" Duncan Ferguson kinda way, he makes people fear for their lives. Or if not their lives, and the very least whitever part of the arm/back he chooses tae dig his hacket teeth intae.  Maybe if folk stopped making excuses for the cunt, and stopped "supporting" him when he does disgraceful shit, he'd get the fuckin hint and stop daein it eh? We can but dream.

Luis Suarez is a danger to you and your family. I suggest you join this movement and together WE CAN STOP HIM. Or ye could just leave it, and he breaks intae yer house while ye sleep and bites yer dugs heid off, before tweeting about how sorry he is a week later, despite initially claiming that he "fell" through yer kitchen windae, and his teeth "accidentally" tore at yer dugs neck. Uptae you pal. Its all uptae you.

World Cup 2014 - The Calm Before The Storm (Of playing two games at once)(or "Sophies Choice...between fitba games" if you prefer)

Another 4 days, another ridiculously stupid title. Its the World Cup. Its fitba. Its happening ON YOUR DOORSTEP (if you're Brazillian and near one of the stadiums) and if not its happening ON YOUR TELEVISION. Get INVOLVED. Get ACTIVE. Get SOCIAL. Be the MEDIA. 

In a slightly altered format from the previous two posts, I will be giving an overview of just THREE World Cup days, before dropping a World altering blog after the final round of group games, and all the excitement that comes wae them. Picture the scene. Two teams...playing at the same time (obviously...its a game of fitba, of course they'd be playing at the same time) but here's the kicker, in an alternative Brazilian location you have none other than TWO MORE TEAMS quite possibly from the same group as the other teams I mentioned, but they're ALSO PLAYING AT THE SAME TIME AS THE TWO TEAMS PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED. And you don't need no education to figure out that means FOUR TEAMS...ONE TIMESLOT...Lets....get....involved.


Day 9

Day...day...niiiiiiine. Went to my heeeeeead. Cause of aw the exciting fitbaw. That I was exposed toooo.
I'll start by saying Gary Lineker can get tae fuck. Simple as that. Fuck Gary Linekar, and fuck that sorry excuse for a broadcast that the BBC call "journalism", cause for the Italy vs Costa Rica game (which England needed Italy to win to stay alive in the competition) Gary Lineker was wearing an Italy top in the studio. A bit of good old fashioned fun between cringeworthy fannies eh? Nae harm in it, apart from harming the reputations of everyone involved in the decision to allow him to wear it on national tele, and oh aye...a wee bit of harm to the ENGULUND national fitba team, as the terrible karma that came wae him wearing the shirt led to Costa Rica winning 1-0. Yer fuckin OOT, and Gary Lineker wearing that top is the only reason. Be thoroughly ashamed. You fuckin utter disgraces. Costa Rica were well worth their win anaw, and go through with a game to spare, after being described as the "whipping boys" of the group before a gae was played, in yet another example of stellar BBC journalism. Fuck the BBC. Right in its taxpayer funded, poorly run, corruption ridden mouth.
Honduras and Eduador actually had a surprisingly exciting battle in the late game, with Ecuador coming from a goal down to win the game by scoring more goals than Honduras. Two for Ecuador, one for Honduras. Enner Valencia scored both goals for Ecuador, so that makes him a very proficient scorer, after his goal in the opening game. Bringing his scoring total to three. Three goals for him.
In the other game France horsed Switzerland 5-2, in a game I didnae see, cause I was sitting in a part of the pub with no television visibility, being quizzed about my non existent love life. I've still no seen the fuckin goals either, but I do know that France scored 5 of them, then Switzerland must have thought "oh that looks like a fuckin laugh!"...and they scored a couple themselves. Good on yees troops.

Day 10

Double figs mate. Day 10. Time flies when yer watching fitba eh? Day 10 was a day of heartbreak if you're Iranian, or Carlos Quieroz (their manager, who is not Iranian) or anyone who kinda likes Iran. Iranian enthusiasts we'll call them. They fellas widnae have been huge fans of Day 10. Cause it saw various Iranian guys greet at full-time, after a fucking outstanding defensive effort for 90 minutes, was undone by a wee slice of Lionel Messi magic in the 91st minute. It's a hard fuckin life eh. Lionel Messi has spent this whole tournament being told he's a bit shite, and certainly not as pure brilliant as some have made out, only for him to score two stoatin goals and pretty much single handedly carry these shoulder shrugging Argentinean cunts, who are phoning this World Cup in so far. LOOK ALIVE BOAYS. The fitba's happening RIGHT NOW. Algeria ken it. Iran ken it. Wake up and smell the noodles guys. It's for real.
Nigeria overcame Bosnia 1-0 in the other game, in a game which I didnae watch, cause me and my pal watchin Souled Out 1998 on the WWE Network instead. I wis keeping an eye on the score though, and commented to my pal that "Nigeria had taken the lead" or I think I might've said suhin like "Wan nuhin tae Nigeria" news which he met with a nod, and a knowing smile as if tae say "thanks for tellin me Marty, but I don't care"
The other game on Day 10 was a stone cold stoater. Well 45 minutes of it was, after an incredibly dull opening 45 between Germany and Ghana, they decided to have the game of the tournament so far, which was SENSATIONAL and EXCITING with shades of REAL COOL STUFF. Germany took the lead thanks to my main man Mario Gotze, only for Ghana to be lit that "nuttttt...we're two goal Ghana, here's our two goals." all of a sudden they'd scored twice, and Ayew had screamed at people a lot. Then with the time ticking down and the clock also ticking (a tick bonanza we'll call it) Miroslav Klose came on as a sub and fuckin YASSSSSSS man. He equalled Ronaldos all-time world cup finals record with his 15th world cup finals goal. Good on ye ya big timeless poaching bastard. Had a chance tae beat the record and win the game late on anaw, but he pulled his shot wide in a rare moment of pulling shots wide.

Day 11 (The end of days...containing three fitba matches)

So round 2 was rounded off with a sublime day of fitba. Pitting teams of 11, against opposition teams of a 11 in a fight to the death for points. Algeria done something bordering on amazing, when they broke out of their slump of not scoring from open play in a World Cup Finals since ages and ages ago (commentators mentioned how many years, but I cannae mind...I want tae say 28.....we'll go wae 28....28 years) tae score 4 BLOODY GOALS.  3 of them happening in the FIRST BLOODY HALF. Commentators mentioned how the South Korea coaches wid be upset cause they used to be central defenders, but so did Tony Mowbray, and he played Josh Thompson in that position for Celtic, so that disnae necessarily mean the cunts have a fuckin scooby about defending. The Koreans made a fist of it in the second half, but had that fist shoved up their own jacksie at 3-1 when Algeria broke up the park and scored a lovely goal. Nice wee 1-2 on the edge of the box, followed by a cushty wee finish. Eeeeeasy now boays.
Another one of the games on Day 11 was a festival of excitement, but that game was not Belgium vs Russia. Belgium vs Russia was fucking awful. Belgium are essentially the Argentina of Europe, in terms of having high expectations, nor performing well, and having an "e" in their name. So I'll tell these cunts the same thing I told the Argies...WAKE UP AND SMELL THE WHEETABIX BEFORE ITS TOO LATE GUYS. Belgium won thanks tae a late winner from a 19 year old fella who replaced Lukaku after about an hour. Lukaku was replaced cause it cause wasn't his day ye know? He tried hard but things just didn't come off for him, and he's also a bit shite. Belgium are through with two wins from two games despite playing shite in both, so there's another comparison you can draw to the Argies, although I'd mainly go with the "e" thing tbh.
Just when Germany and Ghana were wandering the Brazilian streets, doin the helicopter thing wae their dicks in celebration of having the official "best game of the first two rounds of games"...The USA and Portugal only went and fucked it for them didn't they! Buncha bastards so they urr. The Americans are proper fuckin intae this though, and seem to be making a mockery of the various slaggings they've had in the past for treating "soccer" like a second rate shiter of a sport (probably cause they were always fuckin pish at it) They're pretty good at it now though, and displayed that by recovering from Nanis early goal to take the lead through a fuckin thunderbolt fae Jermaine Jones, and speaking of swinging dicks, Clint Dempsey swung his towards the ball and in it fuckin went tae give them the lead wae 9 minutes left. Yer man scored wae his boaby. Certain of it. Portugal, and Ronaldo were staring elimination in the face, but wae 20 odd second left, Michael B-RAD-Ley, who had been fuckin shite up until that point, gave the ball away in the middle of the park. Shifted oot tae Ronaldo, who stuck in a fuckin perfect cross for Varela tae equalise wae the last touch of the game. Or was it the second last? Dae ye count the touch the other team have tae kick off after conceding? Aye...we'll go wae second last eh. Still exciting as  fuck but. Well done tae the Portuguese for never giving up. They are the John Cena of the soccer world, and Christiano is like one of John Cena's t-shirts. Colourful, and it costs a bob for shippin! HAHA! Aw man. The best jokes are the ones that don't make sense. I've always said that.

So that's patter about no less than THREE World Cup days. If I was to sum up the first two rounds of games on the whole, I'd say they were really good. Good games.

Thank you for reading. Football is our passion. Rippling nets, placing bets and flying jets (to Brazil) is our motto. I've been Martin. This has been patter. See ye in 4 days ya ride. x

World Cup 2014 The Four Days After The First Four Days (Or days 5-8 if ye prefer)

So after the highly anticipated debut of Burstmare Baws, where I made extremely valid points on the World Cup so far, here's a follow up with more of the same! Are ye pumped aye? I mean pumped like the Americanism for 'excited' btw, I'm no askin if you've recently had a good shaggin, but by all means if you have, and wish tae share the ins and outs of that with us, go ahead. (ins and outs...geddit? fuckin fitba mate. stop distracting me, this is serious business)

So I stumbled upon a format in the first yin, where I just haver about each day in the World Cup, and my thoughts and feelings on those days, so we'll stick wae that, cause I'm a simpleton and it makes my life exponentially easier. DAY 5 PATTER..COMMENCE.

Day 5

So what comes after Day 4? As my auld da used tae say "It's Day 5 son, whit else would come after it...ye stupit?" Aye Da...I am indeed, but this isnae about me or my stupidity, its about fitba. Its about Day 5 of the FIFA World Cup. Its about some GERMANS. I usually talk about Germans in a wrestling context, wae suplexes n shit. This time I'm talking about Germans in the context of footballers, cause its a fuckin football blog and that should be blatantly obvious shouldn't it? Anyway, Portugal dismantled this illusion that they are in any way a decent team by getting pumped rotten. 4-0. Tam Muller hat-trick. Cause Germany are one of the best international sides in the world at the moment, and Portugal are basically Norwich City + Ronaldo. Germany tearing through the Portuguese Canaries like a hot knife froo buttah.
In the same group we have the United States of USA and Ghana. Ghana knocked Team America out of the last World Cup, so America obviously invaded Ghana and sacrificed innocent civilians in response, before exacting fitba revenge 4 years later with this one. The USA scored through Clint Dempsey after about 8 seconds or suhin, then Ghana equalised ages later, only for America tae win it wae a goal late on that has been described in some circles as "decisive".
The other game on day 5 pitted Iran against Nigeria, and it was as good as it sounds. Efe Ambrose stuck in 15-25 terrible crosses and it of course finished 0-0. First draw of the tournament. First truly terrible game of the tournament, but it widnae be the last guys! No sir.

Day 6

Russia vs South Korea eh. Or "the late game naecunt watched" as its more commonly known. I watched the start of it, but then I got pre-occupied with doing things that aren't shite. I hear it was the hardest fought 1-1 draw you'll ever see though. On Day 6. The day where the world cup caught draw fever!
Another football match pitted Belgium in a 90 minute fight to the death against Algeria. Belgium are fancied to do well at this World Cup as dark horses or something, but in all honesty, they are Belgium, super Belgium. No one likes them. They dont care. They hate Holland. Neighbouring bastards. Fuck knows where I'm goin wae that man. This blog is seriously just n exercise in me typing the first things that come intae my demented heid, but Belgium did survive a scare, coming from a goal down to win 2-1, with goals from Dries Mertens and the guy who equalised. Cannae mind. Should I check? AWWW It was mad Fellaini. Mind when he used tae score goals n shit? That's fuckin surreal man. I forgot he used tae dae that. Good on ye big yin. Keep on fighting the good fight, ya beautiful fro bearing bastard.
The hosts Brazil took the stage again on Day 6, and strengthened their World Cup winning credentials by looking hugely unconvincing in a 0-0 draw wae Mexico. Way tae get the hearts of a nation pumpin eh! Nae ex Celtic flop Efrain Juarez in the Mexico squad btw, as he goes down as another one of the many international footballers who had their career ruined by going a night out in Partick. Some things ye just cannae unsee.

Day 7

Its been a week guys! A full 7 days of non stop soccer, and I for one am just getting intae the swing of it! Its been a thrill ride of proportions that I seriously can't wrap my tiny brain around. Honestly, its fucking sweltering in here. A fine mist emanating from my nether regions as we celebrate the one week anniversary of World Cup action! Oh boy.
There were games on Day 7, cause Brazil continually ignored my pleas to make it a national holiday in celebration of this one week milestone. So fuck it....fitbaw.
Croatia pumped Cameroon in the late game, and that pumping was very much affected by Cameroon having their best player sent off for hitting Mario Madnzukic in the back wae a Bionic Elbow. Tae me the most troubling this about this was the fact that not only did Cameroon lose their best player, the realisation set in that their best player is Alex Song. Neither situation is ideal and both situations led to them losing 4-0.
Then Spain's group took to centre stage in order to pretty much dismantle any pre concieved notions you had about the world. Chief Spain pumpers Holland were called upon to assumedly leather Australia, but were found shitein thersells when Australia came from a goal don to lead 2-1! Oh my freakin wowsers man! Australia once again put in a helluva shift though, making a mockery of their status as lowest ranked team in the tournament by proving once and for all "We're actually much better than Spain...and England anaw" The Aussies did eventually fall, thanks to Van Persie's almost instant equaliser, and the winner fae Depay. It was truly time for the Aussies De-Pay the piper (I'm so so sorry for that patter...seriously)
Then Spain looked to rectify the damage done to their reputation with the 5-1 mauling at the hands of Holland, and achieved this goal successfully by only losing 2-0 to Chile. Chile were well worth the win, and Spain were well worth their early ticket up the road. An end of an era? Probably not. They have a talent pool which allows them to leave cunts like Jesus Navas, Alvaro Negredo, Fernando Llorente and Nacho Novo at home, so they'll be awrite. Xabi Alonso might never recover from the embarrassment of giving the ball away 600040439 times in that mess of a first half though. Poor cunt. Well known for his slickness, but it aw fell apart at this feet. A nightmare scenario for a dreamboat. Sometimes life isnae fair.

Day 8 (More like Day GREAT)

I got really invested in a FIFA sesh after the England game, so I didnae actually watch Greece vs Japan. I wanted tae cause I love Sammy, and fitba's quite good generally, but lets face it, in any other circumstance unless yer from one of the countries, would you watch a Greece vs Japan match? Would you open yer curtains if they stuck it on out yer back garden? Exactly mate. It was 0-0. Of course it was.
I'm not one of they Scottish cunts who supports "Anyone but England" or that. Couldn't give a fuck about their fortunes if im honest, but its the media coverage of their campaigns that annoys me more than anything the team does. I mean look at this.

Time to bite back aye? Completely ignoring the fact that the guy Suarez bit is fae fuckin Serbia, The Sun decided to gee up a nation for a vital fitba match by photoshopping big scary teeth intae their glaikit players gubs. Try this guys. Try talking about fitba. I know it might be hard for your halfwitted, lowest common denominator, spunkrag of a tabloid, but try fuckin talking about the subject matter, instead of poisoning the masses with this garbage. I hope Suarez seen it and that fired him up to score the two stoaters that put England out. I really dae. I'm almost delighted that Rooney had a decent game and scored the equaliser, cause guess whit? NAE FUCKIN SCAPEGOAT. Cannae even blame Hodgson, cause he at least had the baws to set his team up in an attacking style. Fuck all wrong with the system. Yer players are just fucking shite. Pure and utter dung. Well some of them are awrite, but I'm on the warpath here, so fuck them. DUNG!
Colombia beat the Ivory Coat 2-1 in the other game on Day 8, and that was one of my favourite games of the tournament in a lot of ways, cause both countries have names that are fun to say, and also the game itself was good. Colombia looked home and dry at 2-0, but Gervinho scored an absolute beezer of a goal to get them back intae it. Too little too late mate.

Overall I found the 4 days after the first 4 days of the World Cup to be satisfying. Contained plenty of football so they did. Football is fuckin cool eh? Teams going at it for 90 minute spells, with point and glory up for grabs! Well done to everyone in involved in their sterling footballing efforts. Tune in next time for me summing up more of this football carry on. Every 4 days. Cause thats the format. It's been decided. 

x

World Cup 2014 - The First Four Days (or....I forgot how to write about fitba so I'm just gonnae haver)

Nothing better than starting a new blog venture wae an incredibly long and stupid title eh. Hi guys! Here's me writing about fitba, like my opinion on the subject matters a fuck. I used to be the fitba guy. That's how people identified me in my life. "Smithy kens the fitbaw, I can talk tae him about Ashley Youngs lack of end product, or the fact that Danny Invincible isnae actually invincible" but for the past year I've poured my heart, soul and will tae Ive intae writing about and watching a fuckload of professional wrestling. Part of the reason for that was falling out of love wae the fitba a weebit, cause let's no lie to ourselves; its full of overpaid, braindead fannies who'd much rather get caught elbow deep in a hooker, singing some kind of offensive tune in a pub, or wanking aff wee dugs at a swing park, than contribute anything worthwhile tae society. I ended a 15 year stint as a Celtic season ticket holder cause I just didnae love it anymore. I'm sure I will again one day, but right now it doesen't grab me like it once did, and its no fair tae me, or the boaysies themselves if I continue to attend games, phoning it in and hating myself throughout. Separated but never divorced. I'll see ye again soon big yin. Mibbe. If we sell Leigh Griffiths then I'll consider it, cause fuck that wee pollution of a human. Anyway, there I'm away aff base. World Cup n that.

So the World Cup has undoubtedly been happening and everyone enjoying the cheap beer and hayfever that's come along with it, but spare a thought for the people of Brazil eh. Spare a thought for aw they poor beautiful hauf naked Brazillian burds, huvin tae put up wae aw the confused looking sweaty bastards fae the cauldest parts of the world, wandering about their country sweatin through their string vests and looking at every child like they're a potential pickpocket. Brazil of course opened the tournament wae a hard fought win over Croatia. I watched this game and I have to say, it was indeed fitba. Nikica Jelavic particularly impressive in completely miss-hitting his shot that led to Marcelo scoring the first (own) goal of the tournament. Before Neymar equalised wae a skiddy wee effort, and someone scored the winner. Wis it Neymar? Penalty eh. Aye I just checked there. Peno mate. Oscar rounded it off in the last minute, but let it be known that according to THIS reporter. 3-1 flattered the hosts, but ye shouldnae listen to a fuckin thing I say cause I totally forgot there was a third Brazil goal and have no recollection of it whatsoever.  Oscar had a rerr game though, and he plays for Chelsea so there's TWO pieces of Oscar information tae replace the relevant one...a description of the goal n that.

Day Two

Day two also happened. Mexico battled out a hard fought 1-0 win over Cameroon, in a game which I'd describe as "on". And Chile overcame a plucky, but ultimately still shite Australia squad in a 3-1 victory in the late game. Really sterling effort from Australia after going 2-0 down early on. Vintage Tim Cahill heiderin for their goal. It was one of the heiders where ye turn tae yer pal in the pub and go "Good heider eh" and he nods in agreement. Great heiders.

The other game was something notable indeed. A 90 minute soccer match containing number one team in the galaxy, Spain...against that country wae the hookers, weed, clogs and Tommy End...The Netherlands. Spain took an early lead via a penalty, and that led to many commentators saying things like "GOOOOOOAL" or "Good penalty" . Then Holland fuckin pumped them daft. Seriously anihiliated the winners of the last 3 major tournaments. Proper kerb stomped these wanks. That kerb stomping included one of my favourite goals of all time when Van Persie scored a looping header from a long ball from one of his team-mates. That dutch guy wae the face. Holland were superb though, and could easily have had 3 or 4 more goals. Robben, Van Persie and Sneijder seem acutely aware that this is their last legit chance of winning a World Cup, so they're playing football at a level you could describe as "above average" or "good". People queried Virgil Van Dijks exclusion for the dutch squad, but on the evidence of this display I'd say there are no agendas behind it ataw, and it's infact more down to the fact that there's numerous footballers in his position who are better than him at it. See the first story about him shaggin aboot? I just glanced at it so I did. Thought tae mysel "I know that burds face" then I read on a bit and it revealed she wis in scuddy films. It aw made sense. In case yer shite at reading subtext, I'm sayin I chug a lot here. Self deprecating humour mate.

Fernando Torres likes a bit of that so he does. Missed a sitter at 5-1, cause he's a very well paid tragedy, and he should be commended for that.

Day Three

More...fuckin...fitba.
After Columbia scuddin Greeces wee erses for them (sorry Sammy, I love ye, but yees got a tanning) Neil Lennon decided it was cool tae rip the utter cunt out of Sammy, and blame him for every attorcity that's ever occurred in the past, present or future world. They also played a collection of shite crosses after the game, and everycunt spoke about how Samaras should have been on the end of them, cause they're all fuckin idiots. Shite crosses are shite crosses no matter whit striker's they're aimed at, ya fuckin dicks.
England got beat after playing very well. Balotelli scored the winner. It was mega cute. I enjoyed this match for numerous reasons. Most of them based in Englands defeat, aw the shite Rooney got after is despite setting up their goal and daein an ok job on the wing (not his position btw, in case that has escaped yer attention) and the fact that Balotelli ran across the England bench and slapped every single one of them in one motion. Beautiful.
Ivory Coat beat Japan anaw. This is the only game I've missed the entirety of cause I had no fuckin idea it was happening, and stayed up gettin steamin and scudded mercilessly at WWE 2k14 aff ma pal. If you want my reflections on that, I'd have tae say it was fuckin shite. The one match I done awrite in (a 30 minute Iron Man match) I got the score tae 6-6 wae 2 minutes left, and he made it 7-6 wae a fuckin leg sweep. So I put the control pad down, shat on my bedroom floor, and sweared 'I fuckin hate you ya wee prick' on ma wall in fecal matter. I don't handle defeat well mate.
Costa Rica pumped Uruguay 3-1 anaw, after going in a goal down at half-time, in a result that could be described as a "Turn up for the books!" for those who enjoy a cliche. 

Day Four

France and Honduras was quite the affair guys. A commentator got really confused by a lot of simple shit. Like the goal line technology system, which everycunt knows is fullproof and the ref gets told instantly if its a goal or no. He awards the goal, and yer Johnny Pearce is gien it patter like the gates of hell will open and swallow us all if we don't share his high pitched confusion about it RIGHT NOW. Mate calm down, its just fitba. Karim Benzema scored a coupla anaw. One of them stoatin, and Honduras went fae the only team I gave a fuck about in the tournament (cause of Izaguirre, and him being one of the few Celtic players I can genuinely say I like these days) to my least favourite team by a mile. Bunch of shit kicking arseholes, Wilson Palacios in particular, who stood aw over Paul Pogba, and had the audacity tae collapse like he took a sniper bullet tae the temple when Pogba gave him a wee bit back. Fuck you, and fuck that patter.
Another game which included events and stuff was the one between Switzerland and Eduador . One of these events was a goal wae the last kick of the ball to secure the win for Switzerland, from HAris Seferovic. A man who I know well from papping him out on loan a lot when I had a really nifty Fiorentina team in the last FIFA. I watched that game in a pub wae my Da on Da Day, and I have to say we both thought it was "awrite" and our shared memories from it will lead to many heartfelt reflections in years to come. Like when I go "Mind that game?" and he goes "Nah" Cause he's auld and forgetful. Haha. Life!
The other game on day four pitted Argentina and Bosnia, and it was surprisingly braw. Bosnia are a plucky squad and more than matched yer Argies in the first half despite going in a goal down, but after gettin slagged daft at half time by Lennon and some other pundit wanks, Messi scored a beauty of an individual goal tae seemingly put the game beyond the Bosnians, only for a lovely finish fae Ibisevic tae get them back intae it. Squeaky bum time for various Argentenians, but they survived thanks to intestinal fortitude, character and not conceding another goal. Mainly the last thing.

Overall the first few days of the World Cup were indeed exciting. As much as I've enjoyed a major tournament since the 2002 World Cup. Hunners of goals. Hunners of enthusiasm. Hunners of fuckin fitba ma man. 

Excellent.